I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
