My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I want a musical about memes.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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