dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
