Betty ford says i'm here all night
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
