I just cut my nipple shaving
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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