I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
