i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
