I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
