I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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