I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
