I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
