Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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