I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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