There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.