I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
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we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
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Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now