They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
