Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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