the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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