The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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