she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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