Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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