ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
The struggles of a small town man whore
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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