im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
