My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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