DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The struggles of a small town man whore
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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