it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
