you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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