reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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