All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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