Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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