I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
