Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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