Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
