haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
