My Higher Power is John Stamos
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
