don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
