The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
