I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
