last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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