You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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