Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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