My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
