I swear she didn't look like that last week.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
