ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
