ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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