Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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