remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
