Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I understand Curling. That high.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
