We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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