i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Mom said you looked used
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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