WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
