My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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