True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
