Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
