I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
