i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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