Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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