I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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