I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
