Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
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