I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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