Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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