I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
