Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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