Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Randomize
